The Blessed Kat.

Sayang, I love you.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:38:39 +0800

Sayang, I love you.

I don’t want to be those women who disappear into their...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:43:52 +0800

I don’t want to be those women who disappear into their marriages. Awake from some terrible, painful variable in their lives and are surprised to be alone. I never stop wondering why some friendships are temporary, although I rarely question the transcience of other existences. I expect them.

Be content and believe your suspicions are true. You’re...

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:54:40 +0800

Be content and believe your suspicions are true. You’re not completely oblivious, stupid or innocent. Be content to exhaust the lessons from the past.

It’s like, everytime I try to think about where I am in...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:00:49 +0800

It’s like, everytime I try to think about where I am in life I get a migraine.

It's A Cycle

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:39:22 +0800

I’m back to my dark moods where I get frustrated because I can’t seem to decipher any sense of direction to how I’m devoting time with my life; the revelation that I can do dog’s work somehow doesn’t give me the enlightenment (or satisfaction) that I’d expected. Shit. Back to square one.

I read Naipaul the other day. That unpleasant man sure writes well.

I think: There is more than one way to be ungrateful with the things God have given. I must have excelled in this.

15 more days until I go to Bali. We will be staying by the river and I will confront these issues thoroughly, write several letters and hope to retrieve some semblance of whatever it is my loved ones find, in their hope for me.

I’ve been neglecting this blog. A lot has happened. They...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:04:00 +0800

I’ve been neglecting this blog. A lot has happened. They warned me work was hecitc. A warning wasn’t enough. But I’m getting used to it, in a strange way. Strange because I never thought I’d get used to it. It’s still difficult, taxing and sometimes even a bit tense, but I suppose real experience, like everything else that occupies this existence, comes with a price. This rule applies to most things I realise: If you don’t make a big deal about who you are, things run much smoothly. In any case, I can’t be a baby about it. I still come home to a wonderful environment, an exhausted but welcoming husband, good friends. I was reminded of this more vividly on my 25th birthday last week. It was an intense day at work, followed by kareoke with old workmates, a cake from my boss, a dinner with my husband’s friends then a ‘surprise’ birthday celebration from Fir and Romen. This came complete with the the lounge singer singing happy birthday at KL Hilton! Haha. In between the day was riddled with calls and messages. It’s nice to know people remember you. It’s nice to know you’re not out of touch, just because you’re out of it. Haha. I’m twenty-five now. That’s scary. But why should I be scared again? It’s not the case for most people, but time has always rewarded me. Thank you, God. I am grateful for my friends, for my life, and (eep) the challenges. Dare I be impatient? Hm. Six more days till Phuket. I’ll bring a camera.

If all goes well, I turn twenty-five this week. Got me all...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:46:45 +0800

If all goes well, I turn twenty-five this week. Got me all nostalgic.

I have had a brief, wonderful life with, I hope, enough lessons learnt to justify more difficult times. I travelled more than some.I have met some astounding personalities. Not wise, but not a child either. Mid-twenties, not early-twenties. The urgency for time better spent is there. The urgency to ask the right questions. I pray God protects those I love, I pray all things earthly and spiritual don’t lose patience with my plain self. I hope my good intentions execute themselves well. I pray I will be good at what I love to do. Then I pray I die a dignified, ready death. Insya-Allah.

I’m getting used to the pressure, I think. As long as I...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:46:55 +0800

I’m getting used to the pressure, I think. As long as I remember the bigger world out there, that an immediate decision changes little but my own peace of mind.

My head’s gone soft with the incessant nibbling of...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:37:00 +0800

My head’s gone soft with the incessant nibbling of questions I can’t answer. In the meantime the show must go on. Slimmer margins means slimmer time to take a break and get back to them (the questions), but they permeate like something I inhaled and can’t exhale.

Went to the Tuanku Muhriz’s pertabalan. I know what...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:49:38 +0800

Went to the Tuanku Muhriz’s pertabalan. I know what you’re thinking. I look like I’m about to interview Rais Yatim for RTM1.

My point of relaxation is not so much about what to do, although...

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:15:04 +0800

My point of relaxation is not so much about what to do, although a massage would be great right now. It’s about actually sparing the time to reflect and collect myself through these hazy, crazy days. The important thing is, enough has passed for me to afford a bird’s eye of the madness and say, it’s not that bad. In a high strung job maybe all you need is to placate yourself. But to seriously venture on this writing career, however. I seriously need to carve out time. How do I carve up time to interview him all the way in Perak? I can barely drive to KL Central. How do I become a writer amidst the chaos. How do I even begin mapping out the mess that’s in my head?

I have so many stories to tell. I really do. I just need to write them down.

These recent weeks my head’s been thick with...

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:11:44 +0800

These recent weeks my head’s been thick with self-reflection; I hesitate to say ‘self-reflection’ because it hints at something positive, something growing - and I never stray too far away to consider it neither. The pessimism never goes away, which makes the activity dangerous, but it sustains easier with the arrival of an especially difficult client, and my brother’s letters reminding me of a long forgotten concept. What are you working for?

“Shit is harder to go through if you actually have to, to get what you want.” Munkao says without a passing thought. You need statements of the obvious sometimes. I won’t make a decision until two thousand and nine ends. A year that has been very kind to me. But I will take advantage of any sliver of free time that presents itself to me. I will fill in these notebooks with more than just factual notes and list of obligations and long hours.

I used to be a good writer.

I had a pretty fun Raya open house :) I forget I can be happy...

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:06:37 +0800

I had a pretty fun Raya open house :) I forget I can be happy over really, really simple things. Simplicity used to be a fundamental part of who I was.

I hope it isn’t too late.

I will be honest. I want to leave this country. I think about it...

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:01:45 +0800

I will be honest. I want to leave this country. I think about it all the time. There. I’ve said it.

Any gaps in frequency - I’ve been busy and I need my rest....

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:00:32 +0800

Any gaps in frequency - I’ve been busy and I need my rest. But it’s easy to recap. My thoughts have continously revolved in the same themes listed below:

1. I am under achieving.

2. I am actually very comfortable, I’m just being ungrateful.

3. But I can do more. I could not something. But I’m not.

4. I’m getting old.

5. I’ve got to start taking care of myself. Which, at this point, is the hardest thing for me to do. I’m trying though. Slowly but surely.

6. I’ve not read anything in a while. Nothing worth reading.

7. I’ve barely heard any real music.

8. I’m sick of shopping malls.

9. I can predict 80% of the dialogue I have with people daily.

10. I am doing okay. Despite trash in my head.

Remember.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:14:00 +0800

Never been into raya. Or eid for that matter. When you grow up in a small family, one girl and one boy. There’s nothing to share or squabble over. None of the conflicts you translate into memories over time. We were well-travelled, urban children with no nostalgia to drive cross Borders to. In that sense we were very content when everyone else calls it lonely. What do they know? My best experiences with this national holiday were all abroad, when in university. Hm. Life goes on. Despite my quiet shock of all the changes.

I want more money. How? :( Ps. Life is okay. I’m still...

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 11:42:39 +0800

I want more money. How? :(

Ps. Life is okay. I’m still employed.

Mubarak

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:16:36 +0800

It’s time for reflection, but I’ve done very little of it this Holy month. Seventeen days have passed and it wil dissolve as quickly as the rest. I was startled to find we’re halfway there, alhough I have good excuses for my failure to notice. It has been fast-paced, and I hate to admit my eyesight is not improving. It gives me less patience for detail. It tires my reading easily. It strains. But the habit to pass by life these days without much thought is a collective one I’ve developed since I’ve returned from Edinburgh. It’s possible that the lonelier you are, the more philosophical you get. But I feel it is a duty I abandoned to read and be curious. Perhaps Malaysia’s current affairs have tired me, I observe them like an old retiree dotes on the blank stares from his aquarium. Familiarity takes no effort. The need to know of its comings and goings are reflexive now. There is no need to analyse beyond the needed extent. Dare I say there is little curiosity left? Perhaps this has been occuring since long ago.

I worry I am losing myself, though. I fear contentment can be robbed off me like the carpet I am standing on. I pray my simplistic conclusions that cling to values and good faith continue to protect me. I pray to keep praying. Perspective is so important. Between the great world and its unfathomable breadth and transience - and my days licking ice cream, chattering thoughtlessly beside a friend. Thanking God for the warm heaviness in your tummy. For the jokes that amuse relationships. I must remember all that I have and don’t deserve. All that I have lost and may. Twenty-five years this November. I don’t have much time to learn.

As much as I can.

A Palestinian family prepares to break their fast outside their...

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:01:12 +0800

A Palestinian family prepares to break their fast outside their destroyed house. Courtesy of the Guardian.

Reunion

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:32:09 +0800

Kat: So, Mai - how did it feel, meeting him again after so many months of distance?
Mai: It was okaylah. So-so. Sebab bila dia sampai je terus dia kena sawan.
Kat: Huh?
Mai: Sawan.
Kat: Sawan..babi?
Mai: A'ah. Dia sawan babi terus dua hari.
Kat: Dengan buih-muih dia sekali??
Mai: Yela. Abis sawan babi.
Kat: Wow.
Mai: Tapi takpe, sebab I adakan. I jaga dia la dua hari tu lepas tu semua okay.
Kat: Wow. Romantic gila.
Mai: Takdela. I tipu je.